Every time I go on here they end up changing the site and the layout and everything. Why. Why blogspot why? Speaking of change:

I'm better. It's mid-summer here in the desert and I feel much more, stable. Myself. I just finished summer term 2 and I'm just feeling sort of tired and worried. I'm waiting for my grade to post. I don't think I did very well on my final. It's so depressing. That's sort of what I get from studying with people, and then those people not really helping me, and then wasting valuable study time. I'm better off by myself... I really am. This upcoming fall semester my life will be nothing but school. And it'll be tough. Tough, tough tough. But I need to do it. I want to be a nurse, right? Ugh the stress. So much stress. I just need strength and to keep trying. I want to graduate already.

the old and the new.

two door cinema club three notches too loud,
not loud enough,
singing to the chorus, unapologetic dancing.
seeing you smile at me.
rooftops,
the cold nipping my skin tight dress,
architecturally strange leggings I did not mean to buy.
synchronized fireworks.. a modest kiss at 12 midnight.
Exactly.
More singing.
"I will never get tired of the way you look at me" kind of love.
A quiet room of strangers and acquaintances.
weed, no thank you.
Fruit punch, yes please.
stupid uncensored nonsensical comedy, why not.
4 a.m. talks with my closest friend from seattle.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you.
Loving you.
til the new year and back. Always.

you're tearing me apart.

It's nights like these that make me feel completely alone. Alone with the empty silence on the other line, alone with the tears that saturate into my pillow, alone with no one to talk to get through the night. All I have are these tiny white pills that help me fall asleep, so that I don't have to be awake with the burden of loneliness, gripping my heart night after night until it's no longer there.

I should be happy right now. Why am I not happy right now?

I suck.

Sometimes the only way I know how to cope with sadness and feeling down, is turning off all the noise from the outside world. The noise that enters my head and filters out all of these cynical ideas about not feeling good enough. The way other people make you feel like you have to be a certain way in order to feel accepted. The pressure of wanting to be all of these things, and feeling so low and beneath yourself when you can’t be them. I do this to myself. The world influences me in a way that makes me look at my life and feel like shit, all the time. So I shut down. I close all of the doors where pain enters my life and lowers my self esteem. I learn how to be okay alone. I learn how to be fine by myself, without anybody helping me get back on my feet, without any voices from the outside telling me how to be or act a certain way. I learn how to restart and I tell myself all of the things that make me who I am without having anyone else to compare myself to. I breathe. I breathe and I close my eyes and I embrace the absolute peacefulness of being alone. I need that sometimes. I need to mute the world and just listen to me. My voice, my thoughts, my heart, knowing that I don’t need anyone to tell me how to be okay, and I can do it all on my own. It makes everything feel better knowing you have that kind of control.

then

now
.


One year. Almost one entire year with you. I'm just so happy with how far we've come. I was in a very dark place in the last few months, but November has been treating me well, and treating us well, and I just love you. I love you.

This place.

This place is my home.

This place is real.